Monday, June 11, 2007

Don't read this, it's a downer

I'm really trying my hardest to stay positive through all the hard times we're going through but today, I just feel completely defeated. I can't kick all the bad feelings and disappointment for some reason. I guess it's because I can't talk to the person I share everything with, since he is part of the problem. He did find a job, started last week, and it seems to be going well. This week he was going to work some overtime, and I was really happy about having a little extra money to start getting caught up on things. But today, he's home sick. And he doesn't get sick time yet. So not only do we lose the overtime, but he's not getting paid for today at all. He really is sick, but I just wish...I don't know what I wish. I worry about money constantly these days, and have every day since before Christmas when he quit his job. I'm so frickin' stressed out right now, I don't think I can handle any more bad news.

Casey left for Utah yesterday to visit her dad and she'll be gone for seven weeks. I always fall apart when she leaves and this time it's even worse with everything else that's going on. And on top of all of that, I have my period this week and cramps are kicking my ass.

I hate this, hate having to count every single penny I spend. And I feel so guilty if I splurge even a little on myself. I'm just tired, tired of being the one who has to take care of everyone else all the time and tired of being the one who has to find a way to pay the bills no matter how much money we don't have. It's so exhausting, I really need a break from everything but I can't even afford to put gas in the car to take a drive. Next week should be better, as long as Brian keeps working everything will be fine. But in the meantime, I'm falling apart.

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